We are right in the middle of the holiday season. I don’t feel very cheery. I’ve been putting up Christmas decorations with a heavy heart. Every year Dave would cut paper snowflake at my request. He’d grumble (just for show) and happily cut intricate designs. Making hundreds of snowflakes. I would hang them everywhere. Whenever friends came by, they would marvel at them and they would go home with snowflakes that Dave gave them. These snowflakes have traveled many miles. I’ve save them all. Some are worn but I don’t care. Each one reminds me of his laughter, his smile and his love. Even tho’ he’s not here, he surrounds me. I miss him so very much.
Grieving requires enormous energy, but pretending that you’re not grieving requires even more. You begin to sense that your world is anxious for you to get on with your life, and that no one understands that this is your life and you are getting on with it. “This is it, folks.” Then other times you pretend and you wear a mask and perform like a trained seal just to keep what’s left of your world from leaving you.
– Sue Catherine Holtkamp, Ph.D. “Grieving With Hope: A Personal Journey”
Bella and I will go on pretending to be ok. Meanwhile, we lock ourselves away in the house, in my room putting together the shattered pieces of our life. We hold on tight to what we have left, each other.